“Some of the hardest things to say, are easier said on paper.” ~ Nadirah A. Shakir~
Recently I received a phone call from a woman who wanted to share “more” of herself during sex. When I asked her to explain what she meant, she responded by saying that she just wanted to let go and enjoy her sexual experience. She also told me that she wished she could talk more, but for some reason or another it was hard for her to talk during sex. She told me that her lover had no problem expressing himself. In fact he was very communicative during sex; and while she often wished that she could respond to him, she simply could not speak. She remained quiet during the entire experience while adhering to all of her lovers request for pleasure.
After sex was over she noticed that she felt happy that her lover had found and experienced such pleasure in her body and in their intimate relationship; but she also felt resentment and frustration because she often sacrificed her own pleasure in effort to please her beloved.
When I told my client that it was very common for women to play the submissive role during sex and allow their male partners to dominate and control the flow of the bedroom she wasn’t surprised, however she was still frustrated about not speaking up regarding her needs and desires during sex.
I asked my client to consider the following, and I also invite you to consider the following if you are a person experiencing miniscule communication during sex.
1. Do you like your partner? I don’t know how people do it, but there are some people who go to bed with people that they do not like. They may be physically attracted to the person, but as it relates to the core of the individual they do not like the person. This will automatically set up a communication barrier. If you are going to sleep with a person you should at least like the individual.
2. Are you in love with your partner? Love automatically opens the way for communication. When you are in love with a person it makes it easier for you to communicate what you need because you trust that your partner will not only hear you, but that they will do their best to consider your needs.
3. Are you married to your partner? For most people the idea of marriage makes a sexual experience holy, and honorable to God. When people believe that they are engaging in an activity that is honorable to God it helps them relax their mind. When the mind is relaxed the words that need to be uttered are more easily expressed.
4. What type of negative memories or emotional traumas have you experienced with in your relationship with your partner? If you are in a long term relationship with your partner chances are the two of you have experienced a lot together. Some things may be good, and some things may be not so good. If there has been past hurts, mistrust, infidelity, or abuse you may need to seek the professional help from a marriage counselor or a psychologist to help put those things behind you, if your intention is moving forward. If those things have not been resolved then communication will be hard no matter what you do.
5. How do you really feel about sex? In order to communicate about sex you have to know AND own how you feel about sex. Many people engage in sexual activity while having mix feelings about it. For example, religious people who believe that sex should be for married people are having sexual relations while they are not married. Married people who don’t even want to be married have gotten married just so that they can have “blessed/holy” sex. You have to come to terms with who you are, and your true beliefs about sex.
6. Do you and your partner share the same views about sex? It happens all the time. One person is having sex because they are either in love with someone or they want that person to love them. The other person is having sex just for pleasure and recreation. Be clear about your position first and then check with your partner about his/her position. This is a conversation that should happen before anyone takes their clothes off! My advice is that if you are not only the same page, keep your clothes on!!
The following are things/exercises that you can do to open up communication between you and your partner.
1. Write a note expressing what you would like during sex. I believe in putting things on paper. Some of the hardest things to say are easier said when put on paper.
2. Send a text message to your partner before and after sex. If you find it difficult for you to communicate verbally, try texting aka “sextexting”. It’s the same as writing. If you text your needs and desires before sex then your partner will have an idea of what you want. If you still find it difficult to talk during sex then follow up your sexual encounter with another text expressing what you liked and what you want more or less of.
3. Get into the practice of just saying something! If you are not big on words start off by saying simple things in response to your partners actions during sex. A simple oh, or ah, can let your partner know if he or she is moving in the right direction. You can even say a simple thank you if your partner does something that you find pleasurable.
4. Try phone sex. Sometimes it’s easier to start the communication on the phone as opposed to face to face. Action speak louder than words, but words often precede action. Try calling your partner just before you reach home for some steamy loving conversation. It’s kinda like warming up before the big speech! If you warm up backstage then it will easier to give the big speech in front of your audience.
As always remember that sex is one of the most powerful ways that we connect and communicate as human/spiritual beings. One sexual encounter can have many sequences of events that follow energetically and physically. Respect yourself and respect your health while engaging in all sexual activity. Sex is many things for many people; but remember it can always be more pleasurable. Be sure to speak up!
Wishing you love and pleasurable and authentic communication. Nadirah A. Shakir